


The Story Formerly Known As ‘Covenant’

by Calicia (Merinnan)



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Cults, Episode Rewrite: s07e09 Covenant, Gen, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, Suicide, originally posted to alt.startrek.creative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29876094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merinnan/pseuds/Calicia
Summary: A parody of the seventh-season episode ‘Covenant.’
Kudos: 1





	The Story Formerly Known As ‘Covenant’

(we open on the space station Deep Space Nine)

KIRA: (opening the door) Vedek I-Believe-In-Pagh-Wraiths-But-I’m-Still-A-Good-Guy! Come in! How are you?

VEDEK IBIPWBISAGG: I’m well, Nerys. Weren’t you meant to have a few scenes before this?

KIRA: Yes, but the writer hates this episode so much, they can’t remember enough of them to put them in this parody. They'll miss out some other scenes later, too.

VEDEK IBIPWBISAGG: Oh, that’s all right then. I brought you something.

(Hands a little cloth-wrapped package to her.)

KIRA: Oh, what is it? Unwraps it A transporter crystal! Just what I always wanted! 

(She disappears in an orange transporter sparkle, and re-appears in another Cardassian-style room, facing DUKAT, who is wearing civilian clothes and an orange earring, and some CULT MEMBERS.)

DUKAT: Hello, Colonel. The viewers knew that you were kidnapped because the transporter beam was the wrong colour for Starfleet. I bet they didn’t know it was me, though.

KIRA: Dukat! Where am I and what am I doing here?!

DUKAT: You’re on Empok Nor, Colonel. I have turned to the Pagh-Wraiths because your Prophet’s are too racist to accept and help a Cardassian. The Cult of the Pagh-Wraiths is based here now.

KIRA: I’ve heard of the Cult of the Pagh-Wraiths, but I never believed that Bajorans would turn away from the teachings of the Prophets.

DUKAT: They don’t believe in the Prophets because the Prophets have never done anything for your people except hand out a trinket every 10 000 years. Normally they’d be atheists, but the writers have decided that an evil cult is just what this show needs. And who better to lead the cult than me, Mr Trooo Eviiil himself? I’ve brought you here to join us.

KIRA: I don’t think so. You’re making perfect sense, but I’m not allowed to join you because you’re the bad guy.

DUKAT: Well, please join us while I mutter some mumbo-jumbo that the scriptwriters are passing off as praying to the Pagh-Wraiths. There will also be a handy phaser for you to grab and threaten me with.

KIRA: Okay.

***

(In a place that looks suspiciously like Quark’s only with a podium replacing the tables and chairs, and without the bar, the CULT MEMBERS and KIRA are standing around. DUKAT enters and stands behind the podium.)

DUKAT: This is where I say some mumbo-jumbo, throwing in Kosst-Amojen’s name.

(KIRA grabs a phaser from the belt of a peaceful CULT MEMBER, and points it at DUKAT.)

KIRA: Don’t you see who he really is? He’s a monster! He’s trooo eviiil! The scriptwriters and producers said so!

(The CULT MEMBERS all move to stand in front of DUKAT. KIRA stares at them. One of them knocks her to the ground and takes the phaser.)

DUKAT: They see me for who I really am, Colonel. They accept me – even your friends accept me.

VEDEK IBIPWBISAGG: Hello, Nerys. I’m sorry for tricking you like that, but that’s what the script said.

KIRA: Vedek IBIPWBISAGG! You’ve turned away from the Prophets? But your faith was so strong when you taught me in the refugee camp!

VEDEK IBIPWBISAGG: Yes, but now I have seen the light of the Pagh-Wraiths. I can transfer my faith easily from one set of gods to another. If I survive this episode, I’m going to worship the Founders next month.

DUKAT: Colonel, perhaps you would like to look around the station and meet some of the other cult members?

KIRA: Yes, I need to find the people that the scriptwriters are going to use to show how evil you are.

(They walk out of the bar, uh, room.)

***

(Walking along, KIRA and DUKAT stop to watch BENYAN paint on the walls.)

KIRA: If we were on DS9, Odo would throw him in the holding cells for vandalism. Although that graffiti is improving the wall.

DUKAT: Benyan’s an artist, Colonel. It’s the scriptwriters way of showing how nice he is, because artistic types are supposed to be sensitive and nice. Hello Benyan!

(BENYAN is evidently selectively deaf, because he doesn’t notice DUKAT and KIRA until DUKAT says hello.)

BENYAN: Oh, hello.

KIRA: What are you doing?

BENYAN: I’m painting a scene about when the Pagh-Wraiths sent their Emissary to us.

(Silence.)

KIRA: Do you have anything else to say?

BENYAN: No. I’m too stupid to say anything else. I mean, I’m so stupid that I think the only influence that my wife praying alone with a famous seducer had on her pregnancy was the praying part!

CULT MEMBER: (running up.) Benyan, Dukat, come quick! Mika’s in labour!

KIRA: Was that meant to happen to early in the story?

DUKAT: No, but the writer of this parody thinks it’s time to skip some more scenes.

***

(When KIRA, DUKAT and BENYAN enter the Infirmary, it is packed with CULT MEMBERS. They push their way through the crowd to where MIKA is lying on a biobed.)

KIRA: She looks strangely like my mother.

DUKAT: It’s TPTB’s way of showing how obsessive I am, and to hint that I only cared for Mika because of her resemblance to Meru. Even their names sound familiar.

KIRA: She’s not meant to look like she’s in pain. Bajoran labour is painless. And where’s that bloody annoying gong, and the rattles?

DUKAT: Since when have the scriptwriter’s been noted for continuity over points like this? I mean, they added an extra eleven years to my prefecture just because they didn’t research previous episodes properly!

KIRA: But if those extra eleven years had never been put there, you wouldn’t have known my mother.

DUKAT: Yes, and if I hadn’t met her the scriptwriters would never have been able to hint that I’m a dirty old man, much to old to be romantically paired with you.

KIRA: Hint?

(Just then, BENYAN sees the child and gasps. DUKAT quickly picks up the child and stares at it for a moment. Then he shows it to the crowd. The child is half-Cardassian.)

DUKAT: Look! This child is a sign that the Pagh-Wraiths are pleased with us! The Cardassian appearance had nothing to do with those private prayer sessions that Mika and I had!

CULT MEMBERS: A miracle!

KIRA: Benyan, were Dukat and Mika ever alone together?

BENYAN: Are you deaf? During their prayer sessions. We both had private prayer sessions with him, and isn’t this conversation supposed to take place later?

KIRA: The schedule for this parody is different to the episode. So, Mika and Dukat prayed alone together. Her child is half-Cardassian. I see what you mean when you said you were stupid.

(The implication sinks in to BENYAN, and he bursts into tears.)

BENYAN: But he said that I was the only one he loved!

(Runs out crying.)

***

(MIKA is standing in a airlock. As DUKAT enters, she turns.)

MIKA: Hi. Is it over yet?

DUKAT: No. You’re not half-dead yet.

MIKA: (giggles.) Oh, right. Don’t mind me, I’m just a mindless bimbo meant to be used to blacken your reputation even more.

DUKAT: (stepping out of the airlock.) Here’s where the scriptwriters show how truly evil I really am, because I’ve been a bit to sympathetic in earlier scenes. I’m sorry you couldn’t get a better job than this episode.

(Steps into the corridor, closes the docking ring door, and opens the airlock door.)

MIKA: (opens and closes her mouth soundlessly.)

DUKAT: Don’t worry, Colonel Kira will be here soon to save you. Oh, there she is. I better go and pray for the salvation of the actors in this episode.

***

(DUKAT is kneeling before a small shrine in his quarters, praying.)

DUKAT:...and please forgive me for what I did to Mika, and, as compensation to me, transfer one of my writers to the Voyager team where he will have a major falling out with Braga and move to another sf show which will be dumped by two stations before it stops production. Please bless the trees, and the birds, and all the little children, and tell me what the scriptwriters have decided to have me do to cover up what I did to Mika and to show for once and for all how evil and immoral I am.

***

(DUKAT and KIRA are standing in some quarters. Some CULT MEMBERS are waiting outside.)

DUKAT: Colonel, it’s time for me to do my Jim Jones impersonation. I’ve contacted your crew-mates, and they’ll arrive to pick you up after my followers and I are all dead. Meanwhile, I’ll lock you in these quarters so you won’t stop us. Despite the fact that Empok Nor and DS9 are virtually identical and you presumably know these locks like the back of your hand, I won’t take any other precautions. 

(He leaves. After a few minutes, KIRA starts working on the door panel. It eventually opens, and she runs through the Habitat Ring to the top level of the Promenade. DUKAT’S voice is heard.)

DUKAT: The Pagh-Wraiths have told me that they have decided to let us return to them! Our work on the corporeal plane is finished, it is time for us to take poison and join the Pagh-Wraiths!

KIRA: Dukat, no! Even though I’ve wished you dead for years, I’ve had a sudden change of heart and I now care for you enough to save your life!

(KIRA jumps off the Promenade and knocks DUKAT to the floor. He drops the poison pill in his hand and knocks the pedestal holding the bowl of other poison pills to the floor, and the pills scatter everywhere. DUKAT scrambles around, looking for the pill he was holding.)

KIRA: I’ve changed my mind again. I hate you! (To the shocked CULT MEMBERS.) Look! His pill was a special pill!

DUKAT: No! I can’t find my strawberry-flavoured pill! It was the only one!

BENYAN: He said that they were all strawberry-flavoured pills! He lied!

(Angry CULT MEMBERS make threatening movements. Dukat stands up, tears in his eyes.)

DUKAT: Fine! I never liked you anyway! And I think that this earring is stupid, too! 

(He rips off his earring and throws it on the floor. A hum of a transporter is heard, and he disappears in an orange sparkling light. Suddenly, someone groans.)

KIRA: Vedek IBIPWBISAGG! (She kneels as Vedek IBIPWBISAGG sinks to the floor, and holds him in a half-reclining position.) Oh, why did you take that pill?

VEDEK IBIPWBISAGG: Because I believed that they were all strawberry-flavoured like Dukat promised. You must always have faith, Nerys.

KIRA: Oh, Vedek. (Tears spring to her eyes.) Was it really strawberry-flavoured?

VEDEK IBIPWBISAGG: It was to me. (Closes his eyes and droops his head in the age-old way to signify death.)

BENYAN: Doesn’t his death mean the end of the episode?

KIRA: Yes.

The CULT MEMBERS all cheer.

(cue credits)


End file.
